Capitalists look scared

Today I got to thinking about portraits of business executives. Whenever a magazine puts a CEO on its cover, they’re usually in the same position. They stand there rigid, with arms folded. It’s so common that an image search for “business executive standing” returns countless examples. Now, I understand. It’s hard to know what to do with your hands, and if you get it wrong, you look like a doofus. (Watch any political primary debate for details.) But the thing is, according to acting coaches and books about body language, that’s a defensive posture. People stand like this when they’re feeling attacked.

You’re not fooling anyone, you know.

That’s not the image you want to project when you’re a Lord of Capitalism. You want to show strength and confidence. You want to show you’re in charge. You want to show divine favor, if you can think of a way to pull that off.

Therefore, a modest proposal. Business executives need to adopt attributes, like saints. When you see a medieval painting of a bearded man holding a key, you know you’re looking at St. Peter. A woman holding a wheel is St. Catherine. A man writing a book with a lion at his feet is St. Mark. A woman with a cannon is Santa Barbara. (No, really!) None of these people has any trouble knowing what to do with their hands while their portrait is being taken. Better yet, it makes them immediately recognizable by the illiterate masses. This is useful, because frankly most CEOs kind of look alike.

Mostly the attributes are obvious: Tim Allen should hold an apple. Warren Buffet should hold one of those bags with a $ on it like the ones cartoon burglars carry. Sundar Pichai should hold a can of Spam, if the CEO of Hormel will let it go. The guy who first programs his 3D printer to crank out hand-sized, brightly-colored corporate logos for lesser captains of industry to hold when they’re photographed will make a fortune.

Coda

This post is my first foray into the art of clickbait titles. Idiosophy is linked to micro.blog, but the link only sends across the title of the post. That doesn’t go well with my usual preference for oblique, allusive titles that only make sense after you read the post. Let’s see how this new technique works!