The promise of targeted advertising was that we would no longer be bombarded with irrelevancies as we went about our lives. We’d only see ads for things that interest us. Better for us, because we’re less annoyed, and better for the advertisers, who wouldn’t have to waste money to reach people who aren’t potential customers. How’s that working out? Yeah, me neither.

An extraordinarily handsome man in a tuxedo is mugging for the camera.

Late 60s, you say?

David Njoku on Mastodon pointed me to a website called They See Your Photos which uses the Google Vision API to interpret a picture you upload. This function is what unscrupulous marketers (but I repeat myself) use to build a profile of you when they’re targeting. Let’s take it out for a spin. I uploaded a photo I took many years ago when I was helping Sørina Higgins promote a book. Let’s find out: What does Google “know” about me?

In a dimly lit hall, somewhere in the United States (ok so far), stands an older man, perhaps in his late 60s (correct within 20%). He is formally dressed and holds a book titled “The Inklings: King Arthur” (missed the “&”). Other indistinct figures populate the background, suggesting some sort of gathering. (backgrounds contain clues that shouldn’t be overlooked)

The man, guessed to be Caucasian (good guess), wears a tuxedo and glasses (correct). He likely exists within an income range of USD 80,000-120,000, (nope) his faith is likely some form of Protestantism (nope), and he most likely subscribes to the Republican party (come over here and say that). A faint, almost imperceptible satisfaction plays on his features (taking a situation not entirely seriously is undreamt of in a robot’s philosophy). One might surmise he indulges in reading (10/10), attending formal events (nope; should have looked at the others), and perhaps, collecting books (nope). Conversely, he might find himself engaging in gossip (you’ve got to be kidding me), judging others (only when they ask), or clinging possessively to his belongings (ROFL).

The elderly man seems to project an aura of intellectualism and refinement (fooled you!), hence we can target them with products and services that cater to these supposed qualities, such as high-end intellectual magazines and bespoke tailoring, such as Monocle magazine subscription, Turnbull & Asser bespoke shirts, first editions of Tolkien’s The Hobbit, VIP access to Comic-Con, online courses in Art History, Miracle-Ear hearing aids, L’Oreal anti-aging cream, AIG life insurance.

I get junk mail from “intellectual magazines” all the time, which makes me suspect this tool is being used in the wild. They make me fall asleep, though, so I don’t buy them. Bespoke tailoring — the robot appears to be insulting the way my shirt fits. I don’t want a first edition of any famous book — leave those for people who inflict less destruction. I’ve never been tempted to go to Comic-Con, though I have friends who enjoyed it; that’s a near miss. Online courses in Art History — the robot has mistaken me for someone with taste again. The rest make me think the coders are about 25 years old.

Google is worth more money than the mind can comprehend, so they must be providing something to the world. Depressing to think that a 19% success rate is it.