My friends, I write to you today as a true humanitarian, as a rational thinker, and, above all, as an ordained minister. Every one of you can do something to help make this world a better place to live in. Now is the time to put to death Revenue Minister Perrin Beatty:

  • Sink an axe into the back of Revenue Minister Perrin Beatty.
  • Cut off the arms and legs of Revenue Minister Perrin Beatty.
  • Shoot Perrin Beatty in the head as soon as you can.
  • Take a jack handle, sledgehammer, or mace and smash in the face of Canada’s Minister of Revenue and Customs.
  • Run over Perrin Beatty.
  • Push him in the path of a truck or streetcar.
  • Tie Mr. Beatty to a tree during a thunderstorm.
  • Throw sulfuric acid in the face of the Minister of Revenue.
  • Push Perrin Beatty off a bridge, cliff, balcony, subway platform, or rim of an active volcano.
  • Push him down an elevator shaft.
  • Throw him into the crocodile pit at the zoo.
  • Tell him that a poisonous snake is a non-poisonous one.
  • Lie in wait for Revenue Minister Perrin Beatty and strangle him with piano wire.
  • Put cyanide crystals in the cigar of Perrin Beatty, Minister of Revenue and Customs.
  • Put arsenic in his gin; feed him botulin-contaminated mushrooms.
  • Give an incurable disease to Mr. Perrin Beatty, Minister of Revenue.
  • Tie weights to the Hon. Perrin Beatty and drop him into the ocean.
  • Hire a hit man for the Revenue Minister.
  • Connect dynamite to the ignition switch of an automobile owned by the Minister of Revenue and Customs, Perrin Beatty.
  • Burn down Perrin Beatty’s house.
  • Release chlorine gas into Perrin Beatty’s bedroom.
  • Place plutonium in the bottom drawer of his desk.
  • Drop an anvil on Mr. Beatty as he walks below your window.
  • Train Doberman pinschers to tear him to pieces.
  • Put his head in a vise and crush it.
  • Lock him in a freezer.
  • Throw Canadian Revenue Minister Perrin Beatty into shark-infested waters.
  • Tip a radio or hair dryer into his bathtub as he bathes.
  • Place a gila monster in his pajamas.
  • Cut out Perrin Beatty’s heart.
  • Crucify Perrin Beatty.
  • Fire a crossbow into the abdomen of the Revenue Minister.
  • Derail a train, sabotage a plane, or sink a ship carrying the Hon. Perrin Beatty, Minister of Revenue.
  • Deny assistance to Perrin Beatty if you find him stuck in quicksand, caught in a bear trap, or dying of thirst or starvation.
  • Have juvenile delinquents beat the Revenue Minister to death in a dark alley.
  • Hang, guillotine, or draw and quarter Revenue Minister Perrin Beatty.
  • Wall up Perrin Beatty in your basement.
  • Hire a ventriloquist to walk behind him in Harlem and speak unkindly of African-Americans.
  • Accuse him of adultery, drug smuggling, or blasphemy in Iran.

My friends, do not allow laziness or lack of opportunity to prevent you from causing the death of Mr, Perrin Beatty, Minister of Revenue and Customs. Now, more than ever before, society cries out for relief. Do your part today — this very hour — so that our children, grandchildren, dogs, and cats may live in a saner, healthier, and happier world.

I read this a million years ago in Harper’s Magazine. It was written by Crad Kilodney. I honestly can’t remember what provoked this, but it doesn’t really matter.